Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
