Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
