She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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