mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
