I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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