..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
