Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
