you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
