Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
