my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
