just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
