the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
