girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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