So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
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