You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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