I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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