My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
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I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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