Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
