it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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