Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
