Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
