New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
