just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
