i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
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