I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Drunk walkin through police station. America
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
