Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
