what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
