There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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