plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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