**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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