You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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