she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
