I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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