I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
