I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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