I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We had to coat check the pizza.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
