She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
