I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
