At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Randomize
