Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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