It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I said "one day" and that day is not today
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
