Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
