Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Is it penis luge time yet?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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