you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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