Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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