Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
