I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
