Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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