There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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