you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
