take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
