I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
