No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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