My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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