i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
