i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
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