Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
