I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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