There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
