How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
