we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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